Heber school district fail

There seems to be a pretty common hiring criteria for the hostesses at my place of employment. Blonde (whether fake or real) thin, and "attractive." Attractive, of course, being a relative term. Attractive in a general, "that girl is thin, blonde, and doesn't look very intelligent," sort of category.

During the hours of 1:30-5ish I really don't have much to do at work. I typically spend this time acquiring, what seems to be, a pretty stellar dose of carpal tunnels in my hands from chatting with amigos via iphone gtalk. Sometimes, I will venture on over to where the hostess stand is located and sit on the bench for a while. It was during just such a time, when I was asked by one of the aforementioned 18 year old dream babes, "Hey Fish. Can I ask you a question?"
"Okay. Well. Umm. So, what is a heterosexual?"
This is where the incredulous "are you really asking me this question you poor, poor imbecile" look was splayed clearly across my face.
"Are you seriously asking me this?"
"Yesuh, I don't know! I never had sex ed classes in school, and I grew up in a small town! Common, it's not my fault!"
"What town did you grow up in?"
"Get real, I grew up in Nephi. You excuse is invalid."
"Okay whatever, just tell me."
I had to think for a minute how to best explain this, because I was worried that saying, "a heterosexual is a person that is attracted to the opposite sex," may further confuse her, as she may not understand what I meant by "opposite sex," or sex at all. Like, maybe I was saying that it was a person who was attracted to the opposite of sex. Which made me sort of confused, because I didn't know what the opposite of sex would even be. Seriously. If someone said to you, "Hey, lets do the opposite of sex," what would that mean? You can't just say, "Not have sex." Because that would be doing nothing, and the opposite of doing something would have to be doing something else. Man, I really digress.
"Well. As a heterosexual female, you are attracted to men."
"Ohhh. Haha. Okay."
"What the hell did you think it meant?"
"I just like, thought it was a guy who like, liked girls, but was like way femmy."
"Well, that would be a metro-sexual. But that isn't even a real word. It is a slang term. Heterosexual can actually be found in the dictionary, and is by all means a word you should have probably learned in junior high. Perhaps sooner."

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she later approached me in the bar and asked, "Fish. Can I ask you another question."
"By all means."
"Umm. What's like, a good drink, but that doesn't really taste like alcohol?"

This question is made more humorous (or possibly sad) by the fact that our sweet little darling here is dating a dude with 2 or 3 illegitimate children running around the valley. I'm certain at some point, this sperm launching sex fiend will probably tell her something like, "Don't worry baby. If we have seh standing up, you can't get pregs." And thanks to the Heber school district, she won't recognize that for the terrible lie that it is, and 9 months later, numero cuatro will come sliding out of the birth canal, hopefully not soaked in alcohol.

I'll be sure to tell her about fetal alcohol syndrome, even if she doesn't ask.


Nat's blog said...

oh my gosh dying laughing right now! I was there for this but it is soooo much better in writing....really and these are the girls most guys marry...oh hell!

Chris Almond said...

Man, that is a pretty funny story. In this day and age with the internet and tv being from a small town isn't much of an excuse to not know a word like that. Hell, even without the internet or tv there isn't much excuse for being her age and not know that word.

Anonymous said...

Another funny story: My roommate, born and raised in Provo, was sitting studying for Biology 101 and was kind of talking to herself. "Ewww.... No way... Ugh!" When we asked her what was wrong, she would quickly shake it off, saying "Oh, uhh... Nothing." After another 2 rounds of this, we insisted she tells us what is wrong. "I am studying about reproduction and I had NO IDEA that was how "IT" happened!" My other roommate and I looked at each other in disbelief and said "Seriously?" "I didn't know it could be that gross." She also admitted to thinking you could get pregnant by sitting on the same couch as a boy. Best of all: her dad was a doctor!


Dave said...

"Don't worry baby. If we have seh standing up, you can't get pregs." = first place. Did somebody tell you this once, Fish? Is that what you are so upset about?

"Get real, I grew up in Nephi. You excuse is invalid." = typo makes this unintentionally funny.

"a pretty stellar dose of carpal tunnels in my hands from chatting with amigos via iphone gtalk" = winning lawsuit. (raises hand to ear and mouths "call me").