I'm feeling oddly overwhelmed in this moment with something I'm going to, perhaps, refer to as gratitude. Although, I sort of hate the word gratitude, in this context. Gratitude implies that something has been given to me, deserved or not. Gratitude connotes some sort of a blessing, or a gift. Some thing has been bestowed upon me by some person or being or system with the capacity to give, with some reason to do so.
I think I prefer luck. I feel very lucky.
23 year old me could have probably never fathomed that (damn nearly) 32 year old me could possibly be anything other than the most wretchedly miserable being in existence, having watched the moon wax and wane around 380 times with zero eternal marriages to show for it.
25 year old me couldn't have imagined doing a thing for money that feels like doing something positive in the world, something that matters. Something that makes peoples' lives better. Something that doesn't feel like work. A work where I sometimes cry, because I get to love and give a shit about humans for a living. Because I get to watch people overcome the most incredible obstacles, while I meander through my lucky, lucky life.
I did nothing to deserve this.
I have a family who loves and accepts me for me. I have beautiful friends who make my life in this city, in this world, lovely. I work with people who do what they do because they love what they do. I get to do a thing where sometimes a girl who is terrified of men will hand me a package of Mambas with a note that says "You are like Mambas to me because Mambas made me realize not all chew candies are bad."
I don't deserve this.
And this is why I can't be grateful. Because I'm just lucky. I'm lucky I wasn't born into a piece of shit family. I'm lucky I've never been abused. I'm lucky I was raised in a white, middle class family. I'm lucky I wasn't born in Afghanistan. I'm lucky I have friends and people in my life I can count on. None of these things are blessings, because this implies that others who aren't so "blessed," somehow deserve what they don't get. Or all of the things I have, people who don't have them don't deserve to have them.
I'm just really lucky, and I can't fathom why.