Creatures for sale

I saw the most curious thing yesterday. The Macey's parking lot has been full of those Narnia animals for the last week or two. You know, the ones that were in front of Ruby River before that? In case you aren't aware of that which I speak, they are these ginormous creature statues cast from...maybe bronze? Anyhow, we are talking like...full sized elks. And moosen. And bears. Freaking Aslan.

So every time I drive by there I think, "Gosh. I prolly should get me one of them. I mean, it would look great......Somewhere?" (insert confused face, hunched shoulders, and chest level palm up hands.)

I guess I truthfully think, how is there a market for this? I mean, they aren't selling like...5 or 10 of these things along side some blankets with huge wolf heads or unicorns on them. Maybe some turquoise jewelry. No, no, there is an entire parking lot FULL of them. Probably 100. And I must say that, in all of my driving around Utah valley I have never seen a single ridiculously huge bronzish statue in anyone's yard. Maybe people put them in their rooms?

There was a sign in the parking lot that said, "Last Day!" As I was approaching I thought, "Does anybody really care that it is the last day?" To my surprise, a whole lot of people cared. That parking lot was seriously crawling with folks excitedly milling about the statues. I was so ridiculously amazed. I guess I just couldn't imagine someone in their right mind purchasing a humongous creature statue. I can't see how that would compliment anyone's home in a positive fashion.

So as I'm driving by, this flat bed truck pulls out in front of me with 2 twin bronze bears strapped to the back. I got so unbelievably excited and yelled, "He bought the bears! Yeah! The bears!"

And then cracked up for 5 minutes. Seriously, that made my day.

Give my room a condom

So ever since I shattered my window with my considerable strength (not really) my room has become, "attack of the creatures." While sitting here working (on my bed, because I work from my bed ((I'm a freaking sloth))) I have been attacked/crawled upon by no less than 3 distinct creatures. I can't take this. My room is relatively clean, so slobbery isn't the issue. Also, I never eat in here, with exception of an occasional can of low sodium V8.

What's the point? Why keep drinking "heart healthy" V8 if small bugs are just going to crawl through my ear canals while I sleep and burrow their way down into my chestal cavity and nest in my heart? I bet the sodium would have created a protective salt layer around my coronary region, thus rendering it impossible for the bugs to penetrate my palpitating blood engine. But now I'm screwed, all in the name of healthy heart valves.

But really. What do I do about these bugs? I doubt there is much to make one feel like his life has descended into a low level of squalor than when one is attacked by bugs in bed. I have no window, nor a screen on my window. Creatures have an all access pass to my lair. I am reminded of the AIDS video that we had to watch every year in Elementary school. There was this house with a white picket fence guarded by white suited men (white blood cells) which would turn away all of the evil colored creatures (diseases.) But, suddenly AIDS sneaks in because of premarital sex! Because whenever you have premarital sex, you will get AIDS. So I believed until I was about 15. Anyways, suddenly the gate keepers were transformed into evil red ones. "Come on in, Mr. Cancer. Sure thing Mr. Pneumonia, get in here." And so a flood of multi-colored scary creatures overtook the house. And that, kids, is why you only have sex when you're married.

How very appropriate that, as I was writing that last paragraph, an ant crawled on my shoulder.

I totally grew up thinking that one contracted AIDS arbitrarily through sexual intercourse, and that it was impossibly to become infected after one was married. In other words, I thought that AIDS was a consequence of premarital sex, instead of having sex with an infected person. As much as people may laugh at that thought, it actually holds a lot of truth. If people didn't have premarital sex, nobody would get AIDS. (ok, ok, I realize I am leaving out needles, but the principle still applies.) It is pretty absurd that one of the greatest scourges of our time is completely and 100% preventable.

Keep your treasures in you pants, avoid the AIDS dance. Until you are married, of course. Then you are immune.

Man this post took a random turn.