Always cold, never not cold

Every year about mid to late summer, I start to get really anxious for fall to arrive. Mostly because I love scarves, pea coats, and looking sexy in scarves and pea coats. Then, about this time of year, I immediately begin to regret having longed for the cold, as I find myself trapped in the inescapable discomfort of living in a drafty house built by the pioneers. I then dwell in misery for about 5 months, often complaining about how bloody cold it is.

Well, since I once again find myself in this situation, I have decided that maybe instead of bitching about it, I will name off all the reasons why living in this freezing cold hell is terrific.

Never having to drink luke warm water. I always keep a couple of jugs of water in my room, because I don't trust the water that comes out of any of the faucets here enough to dump it down my gullet. Also, it tastes like pipes. So, during the winter time the water in my room always stays a pleasantly cool drinking temperature.

Bread seems to last a lot longer. During warmer times, whenever I buy a loaf of Grandma Sycamore's homemade bread, I'll be damned if it isn't moldy withing 3 days. Not so, in freezing hell. Bread life is at least doubled.

Nyquil nights. Nearly overdosing on Nyquil is as close as I can come to being conscionably drunk. And living in a freezing hell perpetuates sickness. Plus, never do I sleep better than when in a Nyquil induced stupor.

Fridges become an option. Sometimes I am laying on a couch watching CNN, eating a sack of imitation crab meat. Then I fall asleep for 4 hours. I wake up in a panic, thinking that the fish product has surely spoiled. Not so, in freezing hell house. I can pick up the package, and it feels as if I had just pulled it right out of the fridge. Snacking can resume unabated.

It's exciting going to sleep at night, wondering if you will wake up the next morning, or if you may perish from hypothermia. Every night is an adventure.

Since the toothpaste is cold, you never accidentally squeeze out too much. Much easier to manage and conserve.

Since sweating is a non-existent practice, I can wear the same shirt upwards of 7 times before requiring a wash.

People who visit require snuggling, due to the cold. Whether male or female, every time is snuggle time, when the house is cold and blankets are few.

Living in perpetual discomfort is certainly a motivating factor to move on in life. Whether that be via gainful employment, moving to a different city, getting a new roommate, or getting married...all are goals goaded along by the freezing scepter of dissatisfaction. As terrific as it may be, being cold always, I'd sure like those other goals to come to fruition, that I may forever leave behind this frozen misery.

This entire post was a lie. There is not one single terrific thing about living in this freezing hell, made all the worse by the fact that our heating bill will likely be upwards of 400 dollars, and the house will still be cold MOST of the time.

Come on universe, get me outta here!


Darling Nicki said...

FINALLY. Someone just as excited as I am about winter in Utah. Although, I do like the cuddle time excuse (for once a guy can't complain about being too hot) even if your toes might just fall off while cuddling.

Here comes hibernation season.
PS. love the blog.

Tina said...

funny stuff, glad to be here. Tina

Claire Valene Bagley said...

Why are you so damn sexy in a pea coat and scarf? Why? WHY?

Claire Valene Bagley said...

P.s. Remember this summer when you'd escape to my basement dungeon from the self-same home because of the sweltering stifling HEAT? Cuddling in the summer was just... slippery and sweaty and probably my favorite thing about August.

Amy said...

I am married and in a constant state of near-hypothermia. So marriage may not remedy anything. Once in a while we also get a horrible dose of sweltering heat. The kind of heat that makes me wake up in the middle of the night and run panicked into the baby's room to make sure she is still breathing. It's all dependent on the whims of the people upstairs. Infuriating.