14.10.09

Probable proposal fail

In conjunction with the previous proposal blog, I should probably mention the worst, most ridiculous wedding proposal that I ever actually witnessed with my own eyes. Or heard of, for that matter.

One night, circa 2006, Adam and I were in the Provo Macey's at approximately 10 pm. Buying either a yard worth of gum, or a yard worth of gummy snake. I'm leaning towards the gummy snake. Dammit, I love those yard length gummy snakes.

Near the back end of the store, we noticed a rare oddity; a man fully dressed in medieval armor, standing near an aisle end cap. This was only odd, because I hadn't previously noticed any orcs prowling about the store. Nor were any of the usual jackasses who piece together their own chain mail shirts and then fight with foam laden weaponry in the park at midnight haunting the vicinity. So I assumed he was probably going to propose to his girlfriend, being really the only other logical option, dressed for warrior medieval combat as he was.

Adam wasn't sure, and so walked over and just stared at him.
"Hey...go away...go away. Hey...common...go away..." Said the knight. In semi frantic, hushed tones.
"What are you doing?" Said Adam.
"Shhh. Go away..." Replied the knight. Still frantically. Still hushed.
"What are you doing?" Said Adam. Again. Not so hushed, with evident mockery.
"I'm proposing. Go away." quoth the knight.
"Huh."

At that point, we decided we should probably watch. From a safe distance, of course, should the female encourage the wrath of the knight through a negative response, thus incurring a hasty decapitation and spraying blood all over the place. There was a nice large apple display that provided a choice vantage point/barrier between us and the possible homicide that was about to occur. There I stood, picking up an apple, and placing it in the bag. Then placing another apple in the bag. Upon releasing the second apple, the first was then removed. And thus we could endlessly fill up sacks of apples and so very inconspicuously observe the drama unfolding before us.

I wondered, as I sat there sifting the apples, if his chosen bride just happened to be grocery shopping, or was a common working wench, at that very moment rendering her services to Macey's. The latter was made apparent by the subsequent appearance of the khaki clad damsel being lead up the aisle by 2 guys who were apparently the accomplices in this most despicable of proposals.

As they pretended to need to know where something was located, and as she stooped over to find it, the knight clanked his way around the corner, and dropped to his knee.

Touching, I thought.

He seemed to be on that knee a while. And the girl had a look on her face like, "OMG, I can't believe you are doing this while I'm at work." Which was an easy look to identify, as she said, "OMG, I can't believe you are doing this while I'm at work."

She appeared to say yes, as no blood was consequentially spilt. Once he stood up, he tried for several minutes to remove his helmet. Unsuccessfully. While she stood there awkwardly. No hugs. No excitement. No tears. I went back to my search for the 3 foot long gummy snake not wholly convinced that a marriage was actually going to take place.

I could only imagine the idiocy that escaped the dark recesses of that ridiculous helmet. "Will you let me be your knight in shining armor...for eternity?"
"Babe, can we put on the armor of marriage, and ride the stallion of eternity into...uh...eternity?"
"Wilt thou be my damsel, and I thy knight, for ye olde eternity?"

So many possibilities, with that armor.

As I exited Macey's, gnawing on the first few inches of several feet of gummy ecstasy, I noticed that the newly engaged couple was walking through the parking lot. His helmet was finally removed. They weren't even holding hands.

If that guy's ring didn't end up on the "for sale" section of the BYU message board before that marriage was consummated, I'll eat a gummy onion. Followed by a sack of real onions, while I'm throwing real gummies into a fire.

4 comments:

Taren said...

good hell, macys?! really? it's even worse than the fortune cookie fiasco.

i thought this all ended when I covered myself in flour and said my final "yes", for the senior prom. I'm scared for what my future holds if I remain in utah county.

i feel like i should take this time to tell you that my brother proposed to his girlfriend of 6 weeks yesterday... at comedy sports. there are no words.

Bags said...

For you, Senor Fish. The knight in shining armor proposal.

Bags said...

For you, Senor Fish. The knight in shining armor proposal.

Fish Nat!on said...

sad. in an...Applebee's? no less.