Dressing gay

Typically, when accused of being gay, the assumption is made by one of two parties, and for two or three reasons.

The first party, being extended family members. The second, young children in minivans leaving 7-11 in the summer time with mom. In the little bigot in training's defense, I WAS wearing incredibly short shorts, on an extremely hot day, riding a bike. Which, in case you weren't aware, makes yelling "faggot!" out the window totally called for. And 9 times out of 10, the little shit might be right.

I imagine the conversation in the van went something like this:

"Denton (pronounced Deh-uhn), roll up that window, air conditioning isn't free!"

"Ah, but mom its haw......Whoa, lookit! FAGGOT!"

"!Deh-uhn! Roll up your window! Don't ever draw their attention, you might catch the gay."


When accused, whether vocally or non by party numero uno, I think there are two main reasons. One, being the fact that I have somehow inexplicably been a complete and utter failure in the marriage arena, despite living in Utah Valley for way too many years. 28.5 year old men in Utah are obviously either mentally unbalanced, or gay if they aren't married.

The second reason, compounded with the first for an unprecedented level of possible gayness, is that I dress well. This, more than any other thing, bothers me. I don't care that my heterosexuality is put into question because I missed the 21-22 1/2 year old marriage bus. But what I DO care about, is being thought gay because I dress well, when in reality, I've never actually known a gay man who dressed better than I do. With the possible exception of ONE.

I don't know if this is a Utah phenomenon, but the stereotypical well dressed gay man is a mythical creature that is totally screwing all us straight dudes over. Not in the sense that being thought gay is something terribly (or even remotely, in my opinion) offensive, but because (most) Utah gay men dress, from what I've seen, atrociously.

Last night, I was in Smith's. I encountered 4 gay men, in 2 separate couplings. As I pulled a gallon of Kroger 1% out of the cooler, I stopped in mid removal and simply stared at the man next to me. American Eagle hoodie, which I guess isn't the worst thing in the world, and a pretty standard "I don't give a shit" piece. But coupled with flare jeans, and high heel clog boots? Ohhh girl.

Now, it wasn't as though he was going for a tranny look. He just somehow missed the memo, along with a lot of other Utah babes, that FLARE JEANS AREN'T A GOOD IDEA. I immediately wished that the gallon of milk in my hand was heavily carbonated, and that I could shake it mightily, stab the knife I wasn't carrying into the top, and spray his awful ensemble with milk, yelling "Stop dressing like a BYU coed!"

The other two dudes in the checkout line just looked like a couple of slobs. One guy in baggy jeans with frayed bottoms and a Mossimo shirt, the other with one of those awful olive green canvas belts with the 2 metal hoops at the end wrapped around come puffy tan cargo jeans, circa Aeropostale 2001. Common guys, step it up a notch.

I've let a few babes drag me to a gay club dancing in the past. On the way, I thought, "This could be great for 2 reasons. Certainly, I shall be in the straight dude minority, and there will most definitely be a lot of straight girls in attendance, looking for some non-threatening male dancing counterparts. And secondly, most of these gay men will probably be so poorly dressed, that the females shall veritably flock to me like the children of Israel to Moses in the desert."

Maybe I am getting different memos than the Utah gay man community at large, but I'm not sure why so many homosexuals think that wearing the tightest shirt into which one can feasibly pour oneself is a good idea, regardless of body type. I guess this would be the standard I'd assumed most of the world understood: If the shirt does not reach the top of one's pants, and one must have the help of 2 or more people to slide one's torso into said article, one should discard the offending article. I just don't know why gay dudes with bad bellies and love handles think they are exempt from this rule. NOBODY IS EXEMPT.

Silk shirts, shirts that button up the front with dragons or tribal designs, polos with popped collars, anything with a logo, in reality. COMMON! Rise to the stereotypical standard!

So I guess what I am saying, oh ye people who accuse me of "struggling with same sex attraction" due to the fact that I know how to put together jeans, vests, blazers, sweaters, and pocket watches in a multitude of ways that "work," is you don't really know what you are saying. I don't even remotely dress like a Utah gay man.

4, incredibly straight, well dressed doods.

THIS is the only one that I think offers up a good argument for "gay."

Utah gay men, you can do better.


alex aulelio shahan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
alex aulelio shahan said...

i thought you were gay this whole time.

Jenna said...



Fish Nat!on said...

Oh, that video is glorious.

Lindsay said...

Perhaps its the mustache you seem to sport. I have this friend that cut himself a nice mustache as a joke, and also happens to dress very well. One particular evening he was at a bar with his friend and the waitress said to his friend, "He is so cute, and I totally think he likes you. You should go for it!!" Hahaha. I'd say the mustache plays a role in this. You can't wear a mustache under 30 and be serious...unless your Brandon Flowers and happen to be amazing.