How to make 2k11-infinity a better place

Every time a new year begins, I can't help but think of all the things I wish would go away permanently, thus making all years hence forth and forever a little bit better.

Sometimes, I wish Facebook would go away. But then I think, "Who am I kidding? I love Facebook. Don't strike me dead or delete my account for that blasphemous though/status update, Mark Zuckerberg." I think, rather than wishing for the annihilation of Facebook, I'd just prefer the banishment of certain features.

First, being the inane "check in's" that are constantly occurring. "Reginald Bojangles checked in at Bill's Taco Barn." While I would probably be typically interested in 98% of what a person named Reginald Bojangles would be doing at any given moment, I just can't care about where he is. Unless the update with the little red pin said, "Reginald Bojangles checked in on the Moon," and Reginald actually checked in on the moon, I don't give a shit. I don't care about when you check in at church, school, restaurants, massage parlors, whore houses, or Yosemite. STOP IT.

I really dislike, nay, abhor relationships that are more obvious via Facebook than the info section saying "Rodrigo is in a relationship with Don Julio." And some pictures together. But a constant relationship wall to wall, status to status cute-fest is nothing short of nauseating, if not completely repugnant. I am happy for your happiness, and like, totally interested in how much you love each other and shit. But maybe you could just like call me on the phone and tell me about it for 3 hours. Or blow my brains out. Either way.

Status updates about an omnipresent horrific weather condition. Even if I never emerged from my house EVER, I would be keenly aware of every cold, snowy, rainy, or otherwise blustery moment of the wintertime, due to the incessant bitching that occurs on Facebook, each time global warming takes a break from boiling us in our own carbon emissions. Unless an icicle falls from your roof and pierces your chest, I don't really care how cold and snowy it is. And please don't "check in" at the hospital.

Any Facebook statuses involving feces. Or flatulence.

I wish people would never send "Happy/Merry-insert holiday" mass texts. I don't need my phone vibrating my pocket 27 times on Martin Luther King Jr. day with generic "black power!" texts. If the text isn't personal in some way, it is annoying, rather than thoughtful. "Hey Fish! Black power bud!" is a text worth getting.

Over the last few weeks, I posted a series of statuses addressing some of these issues, using quotes from viable, authoritative resources to prove my point about some of the aforementioned items. Most of these were in the spirit of Christmas.

Some things not related to Facebook.

Newborns posed in everyday items in which one would never expect to encounter a newborn, e.g. buckets, boots, flower pots, ammunition boxes, etc. I know my mother (and probably most mothers) absolutely adore an infant wrapped up in a confederate flag and stuffed into the end of a civil war cannon, but I just find all such pictures creepy, unless I know the infant. I think if it were my infant, or a family infant, I might find such things weirdly cute. But I just want Anne Geddes to stop.
Would anyone care to explain to me what isn't creepy about this picture? Are the liver spots on the hands somehow endearing? Or is it the claw like fingernail on the left index finger with enough length to make Dracula, or a coke addict jealous that tugs at the heart? Or the fact that an infant which seems to be premature by at least a trimester and a half is gently sandwiched between said hands?I DARE you to try punishing baby Hitler. Too cute!

I think maybe just newborns in general, I am not a fan of. I wish they emerged from the womb as 8-10 month olds. I realize this would require considerably larger wombs, and even bigger birth canals, but I think we can all agree that skipping the lolling neck, spitting up, way too fragile phase would be well worth it.

I wish the Westboro Baptist Church would just go away.
Actually, going away isn't quite good enough. I wish Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, Boba Fett, and Santa Claus would get together and strike the WBC from the face of the earth. Preferably, in a way involving fire, lasers, and maybe a huge mudslide full of glass shards, liberalism, and homosexuality, so it be an ignominious death.

While this post has a slightly negative tone, despite the previous items, I actually liked 2k10. And am looking forward to 2k11. I just think the United States would be a better place if, rather than wasting time bickering about the economy, healthcare, and the Mexican invasion, Congress would address these paramount issues.


Jenna said...

It's snowing outside.

Jellybean said...

This is much better than a list of New Year's resolutions.

I also think that you should lure the Westbourogh church to some foreign country where most things are legal (possibly by telling them that a Chinese person, gay person, veteran, and President Obama are all being buried in said foreign place, so that they all show up ready to protest), and sell tickets to their death-via-mudslide-of-liberals-gays-and-glass-shards. You could be a very rich man this year.

sbodier_1 said...

Bahahaha! Fantastic.

Taren said...

I can't believe that news release is real. I can't.

It's too bad the only solution for such ridiculousness is to ignore it completely, because I'd like nothing more than to give them a piece of my mind.. and then lock them in a cave.