My last wish

When I woke up this morning (if one can truly refer to 10:30 as "this morning,") I thought about and decided upon the manner in which I would least like to be murdered.

I don't want ever be choked to death by a fat man in the snow.

First, death by asphyxiation would be unpleasant even in the best of circumstances. The panic, the burning lungs, the slow, agonizing drift into unconsciousness.

Snow, because it would suck to get choked in the snow.

The worst part, however, would be the part about the deed being done by a fat man. Allow me to back track a bit in order to explain why that is.

I awoke this morning to the sound of shaving. I needed to sluice myself off, due to a relatively sweaty night. Last night my room was hot. So what.

The next noise to vibrate my ear drums was the sound of spraying. Dread began to creep up my spine as I anticipated the fate which shortly awaited me in the bathroom.

Finally, after several more shavings, and one final spraying, the destroyer left the bathroom, and ultimately the house. I lay in bed, wallowing in dread for a few final moments, before I grabbed my towel and ventured into the bathroom.

Choking and gagging were my body's first warning signs that I had entered into a deadly situation. My lungs burned as I gasped for clean air. Through stinging, blurry, watery vision I managed to fumble my way into the shower.

An open window and a blazing hot shower were not enough to overpower the Axe body spray, which brings me back to my original point.

The worst part about being choked to death by a fat man, would be the joint choking/asphyxiation caused by Axe body spray.

For whatever reason, I believe the demographic that keeps Axe in business is the fat man. Also the trailer court. But mostly the fat man.

Is there a single female on this God-forsaken planet that finds the scent of Axe in any way appealing? Seriously? Were I a female, or a male for that matter, I would rather snuggle a sweaty, shit covered ox than a man soaked in Axe.

What is that stuff made out of? I was literally choking for 10 min in the shower, because the Axe refused to dissipate. How does the wearer of the Axe not choke all the day long? Who are these cowardly women who are unwilling to tell their boyfriends about the truly revolting nature of Axe? One might as well soak themselves in 409. Or some other frigging chemical spray.

Please, if there be anyone out there within the humble reach of this blog who is currently supporting the Axe body spray industry, please stop now. Spare yourselves any further silent ridicule by those who are forced to be in your presence, or by those who are too blinded by love to tell you that you smell like a chemical fire.

I don't want the last thing that I smell in this world, as my life is being steadily choked away by the fat man, to be Axe body spray. Please...at least spare me that.


Dave said...

Well played, Mr. Fish.

I was actually convinced by their admittedly titilating commercials that perhaps I was the only one who found axe anti-sexual. I have often given it a spray in walmart--visions of many beautiful women tearing at my clothes like the commercial promises--only to catch the scent and throw my chin into my adams apple with the force of a whipping gag reflex. I have often been left thinking, silently, and alone, that the problem must be with me. that I am the weird one and the commercials are absolutely true. but now I know. Now I know.

There are two of us.

Gina Lee said...

Hi I can't remember how I found your blog but I think you are ridiculously funny! Just thought I'd let you know.
So...I gave my husband some axe body wash in his stocking for Christmas. I like the snake peel scent. If he was to spray it on the would be sick, but his skin always smells so fresh and so clean clean...not like shit covered ox. :)