Dear fake baked blonde girl

You aren't fooling anybody.

Listen girl, when you are 29 and your skin looks like that of a 7-11 hot dog that has been turning under the heat lamp for about 36 hours, you are going to wish you had avoided the temptation of an unnaturally tan body during January.

When I saw you tonight at a dessert party, I wondered if perhaps you fell asleep in the tanning bed, as your face was bronze to the point of looking ridiculous and I was wearing a COAT.

Do you realize that you are going to probably die at age 37 of melanoma, all for the sake of looking absurd? And if you don't die, forget about looking like anything but that hot dog. Like a haggard old cocktail waitress at a Wendover casino. Like your friend's mom in high school with bleached blond hair and skin like leather, still dressing like her teenage daughters. That is your future.

It isn't worth it. There is nothing wrong with being pasty when it is cold outside. So, save yourself a little dignity and realize that nobody but the bro's find that flattering. People are laughing at you.




Joliene said...

I have hideous tan lines. I've been running (read: mostly walking) a few miles a day, so it happens. I tan easily, for better or worse. I feel like they are okay because they are a result of me being healthy and getting exercise and being outdoors and having skin that responds well to sun.

I think fake tanning is stupid. I think if you want a tan, you should do it right. Being outside is nice and seems like a natural thing to do when the weather is good. If one has an active lifestyle, one probably has a natural tan, anyway.

I hate fake tanning. It goes in my bag with: dogs-in-purses, tramp stamps, long fake fingernails, and applying one's makeup in public.

Taren said...

someone had to say it.

megs said...

i know exactly the person you are talking about. think regina georges mom on mean girls