Sexy talk with the fuhrer

About once a week, I am awakened by my buzzing mattress at approximately 7:12 am. I think groggily, "Hmm...who could be texting me at this ungodly hour?" And because of that insatiable nagging that will set in if I just roll over and try to ignore it, I have to look to see who it is.

At that hour, it is always none other than Barnes and Noble, and it pisses me off.

For months now, I have been meaning to simply click on the option to remove myself from their mailing list. However, I can never quite get myself to do it, as I invariably think, as my finger hovers over the "cancel" button, twitching in anticipation, "but what if someday I really do want a 10% off coupon?" And so I endure the 7:12 am wake up buzz once a week.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to mark Barnes & Noble as spam, hoping that thereby all further emails from them would simply end up in the spam folder. That way, I could go in there and sift around through all of the penile enlargement advertisements and letters from various African kings offering me free money to make deposits, to find my 10-20% coupons.

Apparently that didn't work, as indicated by the wake up call. Curious, I decided to look in my spam folder to see if any prior Barnes & Noble emails had ended up there. As I am scanning the various offers, I notice this one: How To Talk Dirty To Your Girl And Send HHer Into Overdrive. Now, my eyes function less adequately that I would like. Especially my right eye. There is almost an ever present twinge of blurriness haunting that eye. So, in my casual, semi-blurry glance, my mind read "How to talk dirty to your girl and send Hitler into overdrive."

Upon closer scrutiny, I realized that the ad really didn't concern Hitler at all. But I also thought that perhaps I had stumbled upon a little bit of marketing genius. If ever there was a spam headline that might make me curious enough to further investigate its contents, it was "How to talk dirty to your girl and send Hitler into overdrive."

Sign me up.


karlee said...

i enjoyed this so much that i read it aloud to my roommate.
now i feel like a big dork, cause she didn't think it was as funny as i did.

Fish Nat!on said...

Perhaps your delivery sucked. Or maybe it really isn't all that funny. I find, however, that I am really bad at reading things I find funny out loud. its an anomaly I don't understand; I can spout some pretty funny spontaneous things and get people rolling. But if I try to read something funny, even if I wrote it, its a 95% guarentee nobody is going to laugh and I'm going to feel like a jackass.

Anonymous said...

Dont worry Karlee. I thought it was as funny as you did. LOL Good show old man. Bravo and all that rot.

steph petry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carla said...

This post just makes me want to text you at the god forsaken hour in the morning which I wake up (just so barnes and noble isn't the only one). What kind of a horrible person am I?

I also dream about pushing people over in yoga class when they do the downward dog, so I guess that answers that question.

Dave said...

how to do the downward dog and send Stalin into overdrive!

sign me up.