The confusing nature of my gender

There is one thing I will never understand about men. No matter how many years I spend as a man, I shall never comprehend our (me not included) complete inability to raise the toilet seat, nor our apparent nonexistent aversion to sitting in the remnants our own piss. I have never lived in a house where fewer than 50 percent of the males living there pissed on the seat.

Anytime I ever enter a bathroom and see piss all over the toilet seat, I want to punch a hole in the wall. There is not a man on this planet whose penis isn't at least a little bit wonkey, thus rendering it impossible for him to shoot completely straight and avoid any drizzlings upon the seat. Perhaps 1 in 4 or 5 pissings can a man accomplish such a feat. It isn't even so much the piss on the seat that makes me angry, but the utter simplicity of the act of reaching down with one's arm, touching the most minute portion of the seat with a tiny section of pinky, and then performing a simple lift. The fact that such a facile motion would thwart all of pisses prodigious efforts to end up on the seat (yes, I just referred to urine as a sentient being) is what makes me so angry about it. So simply avoided. Use your foot if you have to.

Today a horrible line was crossed. I entered the bathroom to find a small smattering of shit smeared upon the back end of the toilet seat. I stood there dumbfounded, staring at it. I have periodically seen this occur throughout my career as a human being, and it is always supremely baffling. I can not wrap my mind around what a person must be doing while defecating, in order to leave feces upon the toilet seat. And it is always the same; a small smear somewhere on the back end of the seat, flowing down towards the water. Like a tiny fecal waterfall. A. I don't understand the mechanics of how that can even be accomplished. and B. I don't know how that can occur unnoticed by the culprit. Or perhaps it happens more often than I think, and he usually does catch it, but simply missed it this time. That line of thought has disturbing implications.

Well. For the record, I lift the seat ALWAYS. So, women of planet earth, there are actually men who do that. And I have NEVER, ever ever shat upon a toilet seat. Never ever.

Men are confusing. Raise the seat, assholes.


Jimmy said...

Don't forget when you lived at Riviera. I can't speak for our roommates, but we shared a bathroom and I know at least 50% of us lifted the seat. I shared a house with 5 sisters, I would have been murdered in cold blood long ago if not for learning early in life to be a seat lifter.

Dave said...


that was my nickname in high school