Carvings in africa

What has the world come to, when a single package of skittles purchased at a gas station costs one dollar and nine cents? If the gas station was located, say, in the middle of the ocean, or Africa, I could feel good about paying that exorbitant price. And once at the counter, can you really back out of a bag of skittles with any dignity, because it was 40 more cents than you expected to pay?

"Sorry ma'am, this package of skittilly deliciousness is over priced by at least three and a half dimes. Let me go grab a pack of 7 generic gummies for 59 cents. I'll likely be wholly unsatisfied, yet I shall conserve these precious dimes. We're in a recession, you know."

Whenever I am pissing at a gas station in a small town in the middle of nowhere, I can not help but wonder about the vile little hooligans that find it necessary to scrawl all manner of profanity upon the stalls. Do these assholes just carry around a spare sharpie, just in case they have to piss in a public bathroom? Does it satisfy some vital part of a ritual to write the f word while one's bladder is evacuating its contents? Is the urine flow rendered more smooth by the unleashing of visual profanity? Does such a person actually piss whilst scrawling, or does he wait until his unit is shaken dry, before applying his street name to the stall? Somehow, Jose de la Verga, I doubt that is your real name.

While making use of the urinal at a gas station in Fruita Colorado, I was pleasantly surprised to find that some angry little miscreant had actually carved what may have been his name (or the f word, for all I could tell what it said, as it was written in that unintelligible bubble script that real gangsters ((especially ones who leave their mark upon bathroom appliances)) seem to favor) into the metal plumbing.

Being a bathroom in a rather frequently used gas station, I imagine that the vandal was probably interrupted at least a few times amidst his carving endeavor. I picture him stopping his carving to let some guy piss. As he returns to his work, he realizes that the urinal was not flushed. This utter lack of courtesy enrages him. Did the man not see he was carving here?

"Hey! Sir! Umm Sir!? Hey! Sir!? Umm did you forget something here? Did you not notice that I was carving? Could you please have enough decency to at least flush after interrupting my carving? No, no, don't worry, I'll get this one. But next time, sir. Next time."

That is probably exactly how that would go down.

1 comment:

Dave said...

haha. good one, fish.

I don't know what other people do or why they do it, but I always write while peeing--not after. anything that can't be completely written in the time it takes to empty is not worth writing at all. incidentally, this is why most bathroom messages are no nonsense, get down to business type messages. Just remember that old addage: if you write while you're pissing, you have to be pithy. (I don't know who said it first, probably someone important like abraham lincoln or steve jobs. whoever says it, though, its confusing if the speaker has a lisp). Anyway, try it sometime. next time you're in one of those vile stations, scratch your name or phone number into the congealed layer of dark yellow grime under the urinal, its a huge rush--you will finally know what life is all about.