Heathens be damned, superdell is our man

Good news planet earth. "Super" Dell Schanze is running for governor of Utah! And you know I am legitimately excited about this, because I used an exclamation mark. The first best part, is that when one clicks upon his name on the official Utah Government candidate list, it brings up this. Which, in case you don't click on it, is an adobe copy of the certificate that Mr. Schanze signed, officially declaring his gubernatorial candidacy. And it looks like a 7 year old filled it out.Because he has the heart of a child, pure like the driven snow.

I am so elated about his candidacy. I was really fretting over the choices. I mean, Common. Jon Huntsman Jr. again?? The guy did nothing for 4 years. And Monty "Millionaire" Nafoosi? Wtf? Who ever heard of a millionaire democrat? Democrats are too benevolent to be rich, as they prefer to spread the wealth. Obviously, a shady character. And Charles "Chuck" Smith? First, I believe that most Americans are pretty damn aware that "Chuck" is a derivative of Charles. The quotes probably weren't necessary. And I just don't think I could respect a governor named Chuck. Just can't do it. Common Utah state government. Have a little self respect. Did nick names really need to be included on official candidate descriptions?

So, amongst such a vast sea of obvious fools, praise the heavens that we have one shining beacon of light and truth, a veritable bastion of democracy. I believe that SuperDell is the only truly qualified candidate for the governorship-nay-the presidency. Mr. Schanze is the answer to America's problems, and let me tell you why.

Here is a direct quote from SuperDell's blog, which can be found linked to the page with all the listed candidates. '“As ye keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land”. God told me personally that if we end abortion we will be able to discover and use the unlimited supply of oil right here in Utah." Let me just say that I want a man in office who is communing directly with God, and finding out where all the secret oil is hidden. So what this is really saying, is that thanks to all of you filthy, vile baby killers out there, we are in financial crisis. All ye lovers and advocates of abortion are the cause of our woes at the pump. Shaaaaame. Boooo. Quit killing babies and we will have enough oil to warm the whole globe.

"Cars will also run on water. This technology has been around but suppressed for over 10 years. Imagine how much gas will cost when cars run on water. First keep the commandments, and then we will indeed prosper in the land. It is both a promise from God and a promise from SUPERDELL. " Now, if you aren't absolutely THRILLED by the water car promise, then you are a crapy American, and I hope that you get smothered under a ton of aborted babies. See how you will like that one, liberal scum! Taste the wrath of God! (Also notice that it is not God, but rather SUPERDELL in all caps there. Don't you forget who the true mediator of that promise shall be.)

So who really is this Superdell? I mean, we all remember him from his zany computer commercials. And who can forget when he pulled a gun on some dude and his kid, after being violently confronted and threatened after blazing through a residential zone, doing 80 in his lambo? That just shows he will really fight for our rights. With a pistol, if necessary. "Who am I? Who exactly is SUPERDELL? I am a child of God and am ordained to be a king and priest unto the most high God dependent on my living worthily in this life and fulfilling the covenants I’ve made with God. I fear only unrighteousness before God as it is the only thing that can harm me. I am filled with energy, love and the spirit of God to such an extent that I would make the very best governor of Utah that any good person could possibly ask for." Doi.

"In order to know me you must first get to know God extremely well. Otherwise I will be very difficult to comprehend." Now, I assume some of you reading this have been thinking, "Golly! This man sounds craaaaazy! I mean caaarrraaaaaazy! Who would vote for such a crrrrrrraaazy person?" Well you, John Q. Filthy Liberal, obviously do not know God. Unfortunately you, Mr. Steven A. Heathen Godless Socialist, cannot comprehend one so obviously filled with the spirit of revelation as one Superdell Schanze. Water cars, remember? Secret oil troves? Helllllo?

"I am so dang Totally Awesome that Satan encourages his angles to fight me every where he can as I am one of his greatest enemies. That is why you see so many horribly false news stories along with negativity, hate and jealousy directed at me. I am the nicest person you could ever meet, super friendly and very open about what I believe." People like you, Ms. Jane Baby Slayer, are the Devil's personal angles, swathed in darkness and trying to tear down SuperDell with your liberal lies and socialist doctrines. You would probably get pist when you aggressively confronted him about his moderate speeding and got the barrel of a gun shoved in your soon-to-be-not-so-pregnant belly. Sorry babe. The Hammer of the Lord (SuperDell,) shant be so easily deflected from the work of righteousness.

"Charity is NOT charity if it is forced. It is called socialism. Charity is of God, socialism is of Huntsman." Obviously, Huntsman is a socialist. Being the only non-socialist on the gubernatorial ticket, Schanze is the only logical choice. Huntsman supports the welfare that promotes promiscuity, and leads to that mother of all abominations--abortion. "Women have the freedom of choice. They can choose NOT to be a slut." Booya.

Still thinking about governor Huntsman? Want to reelect him? " What kind of completely spineless satanist would allow the federal government to tell them child executions are ok and then go along with it??? Jon Huntsman Jr. That’s who." Think again, bitches. "God told me if we end child executions in our state we will get nearly free energy for all. If we don’t we will suffer the wrath of God. Some choice huh!?" Think about it. I mean really, how hard can this choice be? A man so in tune with the spirit that he can provide us with unlimited energy and magic water cars, not to mention the eradication of abortion, homosexuality, God-less schools, and low speed limits?

"If you don’t vote for SUPERDELL you WILL suffer the wrath of GOD and the consequences of your own ignorance and stupidity." Finally, both in caps as equals. In other words, if you don't vote for him, you will probably be casting your next ballot from hell.

The choice is singular people. Think of the future. If we can just get him in the governor's office, the presidency will be a breeze. Because, who in their right mind wouldn't vote for the man who found the infinity oil supply in Utah? You may have the next 4 years liberals, but I'll be damned if SuperDell doesn't surf into office on a landslide in 2012. In fact, We'll all be damned if he doesn't. He said so.

Enjoy his blog here.
List of Utah Candidates here.
Call or text him here 801-631-1731


b said...

OM effing G
I'm so glad I stayed up til 3:44 to read this.

chris almond said...

i sent him a text and he wrote back. we both said 'hey'

chris almond said...

he sounds like he might be having some sort of manic episode. his descriptions of himself, grandiose, filled with religious references, classic signs of mania. did you ever see he had an infomercial on parenting?

Jessa said...

i miss your face too. will you come visit me sometime and stop being too busy for me? I know you've heard rumor that salt lake valley is saddam and gomorrah but its really not, its nice here, you could even call it pleasant.

emilyhutchison said...

I'm sold. I hate Huntsman anyway and I was just going to be throwing away my vote with one of the other canidates. Now there's a man running who I can really get behind.

Joliene said...

i have no idea who this guy is, but that form is one of the most hilariously awesome/scary things i've ever seen.

my governor is the terminator. it's pretty embarrassing.