Great things to say from the pulpit

I think that when one is speaking in church, it is a pretty bad idea to say, "So you guys are probably gonna think I'm retarded but..." at any time. One should, as a general rule, probably avoid words such as "retard," or "blows" or "a-hole" at the pulpit (I have heard all of these at one time or another.) But one should especially not say "retard" when there are most definitely no fewer than 7 actual mentally retarded people in the congregation.

So, so awkward.

Oh, and then go on to give an exceedingly incoherent 20 minute talk about...something.

On an unrelated, and rather pitiful note, it would appear that I threw my back out last night making an Italian soda. Oh yes friends, an Italian soda. Wtf. Am I an 80 year old man? Because I certainly feel like one. There must have been something that I did to lead up to it. I mean, the simple act of making an Italian soda and then extending my arm out in an awkward, stretched out fashion could not have been what caused a sudden, horrible pinching feeling to occur in my lower spinal column. I just can't figure out what it could have been.

Except for some awkward church time, I have spent the day lying upon my back, hoping my spine will fix itself in some miraculous fashion. I have to make a living, and I don't think Carrabbas will give me workers comp for throwing out my back while making a bar drink, nevermind the heavy, ice filled glass, the difficult flavor pumping, and then having to extend my arm perfectly perpendicular from my body to place said heavy drink where it might be accessible to my fellow employees. I think I was lifting with my back, rather than my legs. What a retarded thing to do.


Bags said...

You should get a cane like House.

Estee Cook said...

this made me ell oh ell.
i had an interesting church experience too...except mine was in farmington, new mexico-which makes it 10 times better...worse?


Katie said...

One of the speakers yesterday said "erection" instead of "resurrection"

The 14 year old inside me made me snort out loud.

Dave said...

don't make any more difficult drinks. wouldn't want to break a hip.

I definitely agree that hearing words like sucks or blows or fellatio from the pulpit is awkward. I can't believe someone said A-hole!! who was it? Golden Kimball?

that erection comment is hilarious.