Oh, the regret

Tonight, I saddled myself with my biggest regret so far of 2K10.

2 friends and I went to Chili's. Because what the hell else is open after 10 pm that isn't some form of fast food? Although arguably, Chili's isn't too many steps above fast food. Maybe like a step and a half. If, on the scale of food steps, fast food is like step three, proceeded only by a microwaved cheese hot dog, or a slice of bologna on white bread slathered in mayo, Chili's would then be about step 4 point 5.

After sitting in the booth a few moments, I looked to my left and saw what appeared to be the most awkward situation I have ever witnessed, without knowledge of what was actually occurring. There were 2 guys sitting in a mini booth. The guy on the left was sitting with his hands on each corresponding leg, looking either above the head of his date/friend, or awkwardly around at the television. Or sometimes down at the table. The guy adjacent to him had his hands folded in his crotch, and was staring slightly down and to his right, a look of such despondence plastered on his face, I expected him to pop a cyanide pill at any moment.

For 20 minutes this occurred. Well, let me rephrase. For 20 minutes, NOTHING occurred. Not a word was exchanged. Food sat untouched. No eye contact. The guy on the left would occasionally swivel his head here or there, but never really looking at his counterpart. The other guy, eyes glazed, stared at nothing, occasionally twiddling his fingers in his lap.

I wanted so very badly to ask just what was going on. And thus is my regret, that I did no such thing. So instead all we could do was sit there and surmise the meaning behind the almost palpable awkwardness. Was it a first date, and there just wasn't enough random shit on the walls to foster 45 minutes of conversation? Because I noticed for the first time, that Chili's is a little more low key than other similar establishments when it comes to finding every single random shit in existence to hang on the wall.

Perhaps we arrived just moments too late to witness the finale of their relationship, and the ensuing silence was the bi product of a harsh breakup. There just wasn't anymore to be said.

Maybe they had made love for the first time, and it was silent, staring, hands-folded-in-the-crotch guy's first time. And afterward, he felt really bad, and so swivel head was like, "calm down. I'll take you to Chili's." But 2 fajitas later, all was STILL not well on the gay front. And the awkward silence simply grew thicker, as hands-folded-in-the-crotch guy dwelt upon the ramifications of consummating the team switch.

The one reason for which I couldn't bring myself to ask them, "Hey guys, why are you the most sad right now?" was a fear that the answer would be horrible, like "Because his mom just died, a-hole." Or, "Because he just found out he has the HIV, a-hole." So rather than risk it, we just sat and observed the FUNNIEST awkwardly silent couple I have ever seen.

And I now teem with regret for not asking. Maybe they were just a couple of awkward buddy dudes, out for a night on the town.

But I VERY much doubt it.

Just a little recreation.


Anonymous said...

Ive been LOLing for about five minutes straight at work looking at the recreation photo. All the swim team members are starting to stare at me

Anonymous said...

Yes! That's amazing.

Caroline said...

I think I recognize the hands-on-corresponding-legs-er. Actually they both look a little familiar. Maybe it's just that everyone in Utah has a look like they live in Utah. I don't supposed you caught a name?

p.s. I found you via a comment you left on another blog. Creepy much?

Fish Nat!on said...

zero percent creepy.

Cortney said...

Holy crap ... I think I just pee'd my pants. AND, I would like to offer the following comment. My vote is "first date" or "just consumated the relationship". There is no other explanation for the attached photo. Well, that and the fact that one of them seemed overprotective of their manly parts.

Claire Valene Bagley said...

Hey, look everybody!

Ex-boyfriend party!!!

This probably disturb me more... Maybe my wiring is off... But for some reason, that last photo overjoys me.

Jessica said...

I don't even know how I found this blog, but is one of my new favorites. This last post about the awkward night @ Chilli's is HILARIOUS. Then again all the posts I read were quite entertaining... I wish I could have see this in person...

leah said...

i real love this post. there's so much awkwardness in that picture! eeks.

also, i want to state that i am a big fan of chili's and am not ashamed to admit it.

the joy of chips+salsa+blackberry tea > any possible embarrasment of frequenting a cheesy chain restaurant.

Anonymous said...

Keep on writing. I like what you do, and I believe you'll make a career out of it one day, and you'll feel better about yourself. And maybe leave Carrabbas too. All the best :)

Lana Lou said...

This is quite possibly the best people watching story I have ever heard. I'm so glad you were able to capture the magic with a photo. Excellent re-enactment.

And, because you asked, my friend found your blog through her magic powers of finding funny blogs. They truly are incredible. Later.