20.4.10

T-minus 2 days

Thursday, I'm going to eat a double down. A facebook event has been created, people have been invited, a location has been selected. This event has been etched into the fleshy tables of a KFC chicken heart. There is no turning back.

The last time I ate a KFC product, I was working at a gum factory. Because we like, kicked ass at producing and packaging a lot of gum (or something) we were rewarded one day with lunch. Many of us in the gum packing department were hopeful of a Pizza Hut experience. Much to the delight of the redneck white trash dudes in the shipping department, KFC was our victory prize. As I peeled away the lid from one of the chicken buckets, I marveled at how the fried chicken nestled in side looked the exact opposite of crispy. At that point in my life, I was by no means a very healthy eater. But by 3 bites into an original recipe canola oil sponge, I no longer felt the need to swallow, as anything put in my mouth, and then subsequently chewed, would pretty much just slide down my gullet of its own volition. I ate about half a chicken part, and could take no more. Much to the pleasure of the guy with the shirt that stated in humongous lettering "Oh what fun it is to ride." More chicken for that asshole.

As the day of atherosclerosis draws ever closer, I find myself growing afraid. I was reading a review about the double down on a blog, and was absolutely appalled by the included imagery. I think I've never laid eyes upon a more vile, grease soaked creation. I think that I've never looked at something meant for mass popular human consumption, and been so completely repulsed. Especially after a couple months of eating lots of veggies, fruits, and combinations of veggies and fruits, with occasional lean meats.

I feel like this thing is going to slither down my gullet, and then burst out of my chest, in a dramatic display of deleterious, meaty protest. Or at the very least I'm going to regain every pound I've shed over the last few months. Or I'll be rendered sterile. Or something. The bottom line is, nothing good can come from the coming experience.

But I have to go through with it. My curiosity is too great. I want to experience for myself this latest American abomination. The veritable abominable snowman of fast food creations. I want to try to understand the "why" of it. To know how we could have arrived at the point of such a mighty conglomeration of meat, not heretofore mass marketed on this planet.

I'm not looking forward to the incipient buddy growth.

4 comments:

The Rookie said...

God be with you, the entirety of your digestive tract, and your arteries.

Nikki said...

How does one find you on FB? And how about gettin' in on this "event"? Event it is indeed. I will pray for you.

Chris Almond said...

Although the Double Down does seem crazy and over-the-top, it is actually less calories than a Big Mac. Imagine if the Double Down was put inside a bun, so it was just a double chicken sandwich. It wouldn't seem all that crazy, but would actually be more fat and calories.

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

Sounds disgusting, and amazing all at the same time! Good luck!