15.2.08

Friday Five: Top five things that I don't want to ever happen to me involving snow

#5. Getting pegged in the eye with a snowball by a cool kid in front of friends while wearing the gold rimmed glasses as seen in "Bonerville broncos never give up." OK, well that actually happened. Seventh grade. One of the cool kid a-holes was the culprit. He smoked weed. That's why he was cool. I am sauntering down the sidewalk minding my own business, butt-crack-parted nearly-platinum blonde hair stirring in the gentle breeze. Suddenly from out of nowhere ....wham! All I could see was red. Glasses went flying to the ground. As any true friends in Jr. high would do, they only laughed until I said "gosh guys, this isn't funny...stings." Mostly they just felt real awkward as uncontrolled tears streamed from the assaulted eye. They were mostly involuntary...
What a jerk. He could have blinded my already half-worthless eye.

#4. Frostbite on Mt. Everest. Or anywhere else, for that matter. I feel like I am one who enjoys a great deal of adventure. Freezing until my digits turn black and fall off, however, is not appealing to me in the least bit. Climbing a mountain will never be worth a life of nubs.

#3. Falling into a tree well. Oprah taught me that this is a real sucky way to die. Apparently when one falls into a tree well (real loose powder surrounding a tree, several feet deep) one's first act is generally a sharp inhalation. As the ice crystals blast their way down the throat and into the lungs, the gag reflex is triggered, which causes one to then vomit, followed by drowning in one's own vomit. Why not simply not climb out? Because the snowboard acts as an anchor and it is nearly impossible to turn over unless one can somehow escape their bindings. Which is hard. So you die.

#2. Dragging a rickety hand cart through the mountains in 4 feet of snow with inadequate winter clothing, topped off with starvation and eventually eating my friends. R.I.P. Donnor party.

#1. Getting man-raped in the snow. First of all, getting raped by a man probably tops my list of least desirable occurrences even in the best of conditions. But in the snow, I feel like the horror of the situation is severely amplified. Frozen chest, face scraping on the crusty snow...I'll leave it at that.

3 comments:

Crystal said...

You're a pretty good writer. I'm impressed. :) Dave always reads your blog, and today he left it open and I read it. It's great. Love it.

Shannan and Josh said...

Hey Andy, just thought I's say hi. Looks like life is going for you. Where you at these days? Well we are now living in Spanish Forks. Check my blog out. YOur's is pretty interesting. Keep it up!!

Anonymous said...

It's been practically a week without a blog! Though I realize you have priorities that supercede writing for the entertainment of others, I am left with the dismally blissful rantings of nauseauting married couples who have nothing to say but praises of their perfect spouses. Please post soon.