20.2.08

How to avoid a life of involuntary celibacy

So I asked my mother to scan me a few photos for a blog I'll be posting on Friday. She, being the fantastic mother that she is, went overboard and sent me much more than I had asked for. As I gazed upon younger-me, I couldn't help but feel like...the years have been kind. How did my parents not completely loose hope between the years of 8-16? I don't feel like I am anything amazing to look upon in my current condition, but man....I had some rough years. Some of these pictures caused a bit of wisdom to surface....

(First, let me make a disclaimer. My parents bought me. I was not a product of my wonderful father's seed, nor did I slide out of my beautiful mother's womb. Cold hard cash baby. I like to imagine I was carried home in a big brown paper bag, like from the grocery store. Therefore, any disparaging comments concerning my homely appearance, reflect nothing upon the beauty of said parents.) Exhibit A. Imagine. This kid approaches you (and unfortunately he did slide out of your womb, dripping in goo) and says, "gee ma, can Santa afford to bring me an electric guitar?" Before your thoughts metastasize into "how will you ever play a guitar with those fat fingers?/we can't afford one," think about this: how will this poor child ever get a girlfriend, much less beget another goo-covered screaming man-child? Through mad guitar skills, that's how. I suppose that guys can now impress chicks with guitar hero skills to a certain extent. But I think the line, "Hey baby, how'd you like to be on they guy who spent 4 months of his life mastering Dragonforce on expert?" is likely only successful 15 or 20 times. However, "Hey, me and my bros are havin' a little Jack Johnson sing-a-long at my place later...just wear your swimsuit or whatever, it'll be chill," most certainly works EVERY time. Soon, your little butter face with the gold rimmed glasses will be providing you with all the heirs you could have ever hoped for, conceived to the smooth tunes of Jack. Ugly or not.

When a guy is 25 and not married, his friends and family naturally think he is gay, or can't play the guitar. A man with no guitar skills might as well be infertile. Like mules or ligers.

6 comments:

Dave said...

I don't know about most girls, but I would definitely like to be on they guy who spent 4 months of his life mastering Dragonforce on expert. Priorities turn me on. Singing Jack Johnson with bros, what a waste of time.

Despite the graphically disgusting nature of your description of the berthing process, this post was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Not married at 25? Oh the horror! You really need to get out of UT. Married before 25 anywhere else is odd.

Carla said...

of course when the guitar fails, you could always opt for writing entertaining blogs...

Jimmy said...

I can see the headline now:
"Friday Night at the McKay Events Center, Kalai and his Fat Fingered Band"
You could have been famous.

Josie said...

i am so glad that you have a blog. every post makes me laugh. by the way, i never found plastic frames small enough for charlie's face on ebay. any other suggestions?

chris almond said...

man, that is the kid i know. oh man! i just remembered something: When I was in seventh grade, i one class I went by andy for the first half of the year. a couple friends and i thought it would funny if we made up fake names and the first name that came to mind was andy. I remember after a while really regretting it. To, for just one class, be called by a name totally unrelated to your real name was kind of a drag.