So those of you who read this blog are aware that I received a parking ticket from the oppressive Logan parking authority--the most ruthless of road vigilantes. Their complete ill-regard for the lowly parking class of the world rivals that of even the most anal BYU ticket doling rent-a-cops.
Having once failed in an attempt to appeal a parking ticket from Provo's finest, I was hesitant to get my hopes up that an assault on Logan's system would be any different. I believed, however, that I had a good argument, and thus Madame Justice would jump right into bed with me.
My argument was presented as follows:

I am a visiting scholar. I needed to do research at the archives at USU
today. I arrived in Logan last night and was staying with a friend at pine view
apartments. One can not park there, or at any other apartment complex
without getting booted or towed. The roadside was my only option.
Not being from Logan, I had no idea that one could not park on the side of
the road. I looked all up and down the street, and there were no signs
indicating that one could not park on the road. I have never been to a city
before where it was illegal to park on the roadside, with the exception of
narrow or dangerous roads. Anytime such parking was illegal, it was well
posted and very obvious. I feel that a parking ticket, in my circumstance,
is unjust due to the fact that I had no way of knowing that it was illegal,
and there were no postings of said illegality. I can understand my car being
towed in the event of a storm, if my car was indeed in the way of a snow plow.
However, there was no storm, and I knew there was not going to be one, and
therefore common sense told me I could park on a public road. Please
consider this appeal.
Andrew Fish

This was Logan's reply:
The appeals committee reviewed your appeal on February 7th, 2008, and after
careful consideration your appeal has been approved. No further action is

Have a great day,
Tanner Morrell
Parking Authority

Upon reading that (besides feeling elated) I couldn't help but picture a tidy little group of fascists, drably dressed, sitting around an over-sized round table. Probably a loud clock "tick tocking" in the back ground. The woman in a plain gray dress, cinched about the waist with an equally uninteresting belt, square bifocals and a tightly kept bun squints her eyes at the next sheet of paper in front of her. She reads it aloud, voice devoid of emotion, utterly monotone. During a bout of fierce deliberation, she grows weary of the incessant bickering and slams her pallid hand down upon the table. "Dear lord, this boy has done no wrong. I motion to accept the appeal." Anxious to return home to meals of boiled cabbage and lentils, all quickly come to an accord.

Madame Justice has smiled upon me. Let this be a lesson to all; occasionally the appeals system works. Parking cops will forever be A-holes, but let it be known--there exists at least an infinitesimal spark of mercy amongst the hierarchy of parking ticket committees. So benevolent, so wise.

I suppose more than anything, I'm just glad there are people out there who can appreciate boiled cabbage.


Devin said...

I got a ticket for parking at my sister's on sweeping day in California a couple years ago. I just looked to see if I still have that letter I wrote to contest the citation...I found it and laughed as I read. They dismissed mine as well; looks like we both got very lucky by having mercy shown to us by the parking ticket committees.

Jimmy said...

You know Adam's mission friend Nels was a BYU rent-a-cop for many a year. I know you were best friends, just wanted to remind you before he comes after you with a rent-a-taser.
Off to eat my lentils.

Dave said...

rent-a-taser. thats great stuff. parking cops are sadistic. that is the only word for it. They derive inexplicable sexual pleasure from tucking little pouches of pain and suffering in unsuspecting victims' windshield wipers. getting a parking ticket is not unlike getting kicked in the crotch by an invisible person whom you feel powerless to strike back at. When I see those smug parking cops out on their little, self-impportant patrols they always seem to me to walk like they are wearing something leather underneath their neurotically pressed beat blues. They like it. they like their job. that's what makes me so mad about it. I mean, if at the bottom of the ticket there were at least some hand-scrawled "I'm really sorry about this" that would make it better, but there isn't. ever.

that's why all people should choose a noble profession. like being a lawyer.

Snubbs the White Rabbit said...

Nice man. Unfortunately our own UVSC campus police and parking center are not so forgiving. I got the lamest ticket ever and still had to pay it after the appeal.

PS Im looking forward to your writings in Square.

Tanner Morrell said...

Hey, this is Tanner Morrell with the Logan Parking Authority. Enjoyed your blog! I have to contest a few things, however. First off, the winter parking restrictions in Logan are in effect November 15th through the end of February each year, regardless of weather conditions. This is so we can PREVENT people from being on the road during a snow storm, much like why we give tickets for a fire hydrant violation, not necessarily because the building it is situated in front of is on fire, but because if it ever were, hopefully that hydrant would be free and clear. Same with the streets. And don't argue that people know when it will snow and will thus get their vehicles off the street, it just doesn't work. Years ago Logan tried to change the ordinance to read "no parking on Logan City streets 48 hours after a snow storm". It changed back to the old ordinance after only two weeks because it failed miserably. The city is not going to erect signs for people such as yourself since it would require at least two signs to every street block, which would come at a hefty price to Logan taxpayers. Instead, each year we notify residents through a letter with their utility bill, an ad in the local paper, an ad in the school paper, a sign at the usu registrars office and bookstore, a warning on the Aggiemail website, letters handed out to landlords, etc. etc. ALL of those warnings we issue indicate that it is the responsibility of local residents to inform those from out of town as to the parking regulations, thus your friend dropped the ball on that one. It was nice of the appeals committee to help you out though.

Tanner Morrell
Logan Parking Authority Manager