3.9.08

Important life decisions

I find that choosing a new toothpaste is a pretty dramatic event for me. I mean, it can be a rather life altering decision. One is essentially deciding upon the flavor and caliber of paste that shall be quite thoroughly ground into one's mouth on a multiple times per day basis. I hate the flavor of most mints, so choosing a toothpaste is like deciding which doctor I'd like to shove a finger up my anus for a rectal exam. There only exist lousy options. I have been brushing with Xlear toothpaste now for around a year, because I got like 15 tubes of it for free when I worked there. As I was pondering that life decision over the last few weeks, I decided that I didn't entirely trust that place to produce anything that would be of true benefit to my teeth. According to them, Xylotol can pretty much cure cancer and cast out devils. I'm skeptical.

So I decided I wanted to go with a more mainstream toothpaste, one which claimed to do a plethora of vital things, such as whiten my teeth and murder gingivitis. I chose Colgate. Which was a poor decision. It tastes like ass. So, every morning and night, and occasionally in between, I suffer through a rather detestable minute of teeth cleansing. It almost leaves me gagging, and I feel as though my breath is worse for it. So, in order to flush the ass-taste out of my mouth, I purchased Listerine. Whenever I fill my mouth with it and begin the painful gargling process, I curse the Universe for making Listerine burn so bloody much. As my eyes start to water, I wonder what would happen were I to accidently swallow that veritable acid. Probably either death or mutation. As I don't dare bank on mutation, they are always a nerve racking 3o seconds of tears and fear of accidental ingestion. I sure feel clean afterwards though. Like the crisp fir of an arctic wolf. Which is ultra clean, if you didn't know.

So I guess what I'm saying, is choose your toothpaste wisely. Unless you are a moderately intelligent human being, in which case you would merely buy a new flavor.

4 comments:

Jessa said...

fishkins,
i use the baking soda kind.
it doesn't take any better (actually I think its the worst tasting) but the flavor goes away really quickly. And all you're left with is clean.
you can have a squirt of mine to test if you want :)

Brady & Laura Hales said...

I made the mistake of purchasing a case of Aqua Fresh from Costco because it was cheapest. Can anyone else relate with me that Aqua Fresh is the worst? It isn't nearly strong enough, there is no after burn. (The sensation one's mouth experiences after just brushing your teeth) I'd much rather have my mouth tingle with the sensation of just having dowsing my mouth with paint lacquer than finish brushing my teeth and feel absolutely nothing. About the Listerine drinking, I once watched an episode of Intervention where the alcoholic lady chose to drink Listerine on a daily basis, due to the fact that her husband had taken all other alcoholic beverages out of the house. And yes, it did mutate her into some sort of aquatic monster.

Carla said...

I'm a crest girl myself. Crest Whitening Expressions Herbal Mint... it's refreshingly delicious. Also, do you remember that old Listerine commercial where the guy swishes for 30 seconds and makes funny faces all to prove that it's not that hard to swish. I loved that commercial.

Creed and Tiffany said...

crest pro health, by oral b,


its the best by far, and will change your life literally.

your future dentist,
Dr. Cardon