Bear meat

Whenever I want a good laugh, I watch the local evening news. Seriously...the things these people say are outrageous. The movie Anchorman is seriously right on. "Now, here's quite the story (insert ubiquitous voice inflexions, overt smiling, surprised eyes, and fraudulent chuckling throughout.) Now, get this...seriously Maria, this is no joke. A man was fishing. He thought what he heard was birds. But no wait, it wasn't even birds. It was a drowning man! I'm dead serious Maria. A drowning man. So he casts his line, hooks the man (most certainly surprised eyes with a rapid and slight head shake, jerking back just so) and just reels him on in! Can you believe that Maria? Reels him in! What a lifesaver!"

Upon listening to that utter idiocy, I couldn't help but hear..."A La Jolla man clings to life, after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool..."

But all of that isn't the point of this post. Amidst all of the obnoxious theatrics, there was a story that really pissed me off. Apparently there is a bear somewhere in Utah that has been "curiously" entering campsites. It apparently chased off several people today. This "curious" bear is attracted by freaking Joe slob and his dirt bag family that A) doesn't exercise enough common decency to put their trash in the proper receptacles and B) are too moronic to pay any heed to the signs blatantly admonishing the fatuous city dwellers that keeping food near one's person upon sleeping is bad because bears will freaking gobble your face.

So, what to do with this "curious" bear? Kill it. Kill the damn thing, because Joe Slob and his little bratty sloblings couldn't care less. They are simply fat and happy that Pappa skid-row could put enough gas in the wagon with enough money left over for chips, burgers, and Shasta, and head on up to the campin' spot, thus commencing a weekend of filthiness.

Here's a novel idea-shut down the campground for a week or two, clean it up, and then make sure the sloven bastards that subsequently occupy it keep their shit together. If the bear is a crazy bear, by all means do something about it. But for goodness sakes, it is only curious because people are negligent. Why must we always bend and mold nature in accordance with our indolence and whims? Let nature be nature.

If a hungry bear wants to eat a fat man passed out with a half eaten hamburger in his pocket and a bag of deep fried pork rinds cradled to his chest, so be it. Maybe the ensuing belly ache will convince the bear to think twice in the future before consuming someone who just ate an entire bag of deep fried pork skin.


Angie said...

Temper Temper!

Btw, you moving in with us sounds good. Spoonfest. Me, Mark, you of course. I know you've just been dying for a Mark Spoon.

Devin said...

Okay, it's been a few months since I last read your blog so I decided to come back for a read, in hopes for some comic relief. I wasn't disappointed--I was laughin so hard about the bear eating the fat man and his deep fried pork skin. Keep up the good work, Fish.