Better than crack, i freaking swear

Annnnnd 100.

Sometimes, while chugging along on the sad train, I hear word on the street that the Springville whore of the earth is packin' Fun Pops. So, there I drive. My dear friend and I wander all over that wretched people zoo filled with golden smilies and blue vests, wife beaters and fat butts. Fun Pops, nowhere on the radar. I start to feel dismal. I pass an associate with a popped collar and think, "Gee. What a jackass. Oh wait, my bad. That shirt was meant to be worn with the collar popped, as 'Hollister' is imprinted in gold lettering on the back of the neck, and wouldn't be visible without the collar erection."

Silly me.

After combing that place up and down, I gave up. As I walk toward the automatic doors, very nearly in a lachrymal state, a glint of color catches my eye. The magnificent sun, shining through the windows, and splayed across the colorful glory which I was seeking--a whole bin full of Fun Pops. "I wonder how many bags I can buy with $20," I thought.

Apparently 7. So I bought 8. Enough to eat 1 Fun Pop per day for 280 days. Or, a more likely scenario, 5 a day for 56 days.

As we pushed the cart out towards my vehicular device with 16 bags of Fun Pops and then loaded them in the trunk, I thought, "Well I'll certainly be pissed if I get rear-ended in the next 15 minutes. Freaking juice explosion."

After that splendidly glorious acquisition, I read that Myspace sold for 580 million dollars last year. What in the world does a person do with 580 million? I'll tell you what I would do. First, I'd go buy the most expensive bicycle that the collective world had to offer. Then, before I even took it out of the box, I'd run over it with an SUV. Then I'd run over that SUV with another SUV. At which point, I would drive that SUV into a fire. Then, I would put out the fire with liquid gold. Because I could. Because I had 580 million dollars.

So speaking of Fun Pops and liquid burning gold--this is my 100th post. I feel like that is a pretty big benchmark for me as a human being. I started tracking my blog at the beginning of April, and 1,061 absolute unique visitors have taken time out of their lives to read my rantings since then. For those of you who give me the time of day--I sincerely thank you. 1,000 people may be a tiny little chunk of the world, but I guess everyone has to start with some tiny little chunk right? Morbid obesity doesn't happen over night.

Thanks, from the bottom of my lonely, loveless heart.


Amy said...

What is a fun pop and why do I not know what it is? It sounds like something which would be of interest to me. (Most food items are of interest to me...except of course meat.)

Fish Nat!on said...

oh, my dear dear sister. you must come up to my house and experience the fun pop. your life will never be the same

h2oetry said...

Is a Fun Pop an Otter Pop? I imagine it is different, or else you wouldn't waste your time going to Springville. Also coming to mind are Push Pops, which actually might be called Push Ups, featuring the Flintstones characters on the wrappers. It was ice cream, that you pushed up with a stick. I am intrigued by these Fun Pops.

the Kev said...

Fish, you are an inspiration, no one can rant like you. I tried a blog such as this, and the only response I got was from my mom saying that I shouldn't complain so much. I'm sure every one of the 1,061 has enjoyed the rantings as much as I have. I think you should give all of us a fun pop.

Katie said...

You're welcome

karen said...

What is a Fun Pop? I can't come to your house - I'm in CA. Please explain, and thanks for your blog. It brightens my dreary office world every day!