Give my room a condom

So ever since I shattered my window with my considerable strength (not really) my room has become, "attack of the creatures." While sitting here working (on my bed, because I work from my bed ((I'm a freaking sloth))) I have been attacked/crawled upon by no less than 3 distinct creatures. I can't take this. My room is relatively clean, so slobbery isn't the issue. Also, I never eat in here, with exception of an occasional can of low sodium V8.

What's the point? Why keep drinking "heart healthy" V8 if small bugs are just going to crawl through my ear canals while I sleep and burrow their way down into my chestal cavity and nest in my heart? I bet the sodium would have created a protective salt layer around my coronary region, thus rendering it impossible for the bugs to penetrate my palpitating blood engine. But now I'm screwed, all in the name of healthy heart valves.

But really. What do I do about these bugs? I doubt there is much to make one feel like his life has descended into a low level of squalor than when one is attacked by bugs in bed. I have no window, nor a screen on my window. Creatures have an all access pass to my lair. I am reminded of the AIDS video that we had to watch every year in Elementary school. There was this house with a white picket fence guarded by white suited men (white blood cells) which would turn away all of the evil colored creatures (diseases.) But, suddenly AIDS sneaks in because of premarital sex! Because whenever you have premarital sex, you will get AIDS. So I believed until I was about 15. Anyways, suddenly the gate keepers were transformed into evil red ones. "Come on in, Mr. Cancer. Sure thing Mr. Pneumonia, get in here." And so a flood of multi-colored scary creatures overtook the house. And that, kids, is why you only have sex when you're married.

How very appropriate that, as I was writing that last paragraph, an ant crawled on my shoulder.

I totally grew up thinking that one contracted AIDS arbitrarily through sexual intercourse, and that it was impossibly to become infected after one was married. In other words, I thought that AIDS was a consequence of premarital sex, instead of having sex with an infected person. As much as people may laugh at that thought, it actually holds a lot of truth. If people didn't have premarital sex, nobody would get AIDS. (ok, ok, I realize I am leaving out needles, but the principle still applies.) It is pretty absurd that one of the greatest scourges of our time is completely and 100% preventable.

Keep your treasures in you pants, avoid the AIDS dance. Until you are married, of course. Then you are immune.

Man this post took a random turn.


Lilia said...

in reality, it is easy to get AIDS after a day out on Venice beach in LA

Amy said...

Question. Why don't you use all 34 remaining hours of your "work" week that we peasants are devoting to employment, and figure out a way to get your window fixed? (Perhaps buy one? call dad? cover it with plastic wrap and duct tape?) Then you could quit whining about bugs. I mean that in the nicest way possible. :)

Fish Nat!on said...

too hot for windows. it's the worst bloody catch 22 of my life