I have really only one flaw that might be keeping me from marriage. I am a phenomenal coward when it comes to dealing with spiders.

Tonight I was showering. For whatever reason, everything important in my life (I only write about supremely important things on this blog, obviously) has been occurring in the shower. I stood with my back to the mist machine, allowing the hot water to scour my neck for a pretty long time. I finally decided to turn around and get down to business. Business being the cleansing part. I realize that could be taken to mean a few different things. Just cleaning.

My eyes instantly latched upon a spider running down a pole that is connected to the shelf that holds all of our cleaning implements. I immediately gasped in a great deal of steam and mist, and lurched for my bottle of Dove brand Beautiful Body Wash, quickly smashing the but end of it over the spider. That horrible, malefic little creature was sent hurdling back behind all of the items upon the shelf. I started moving things around, trying to confirm death.

Upon not finding anything, I looked down and saw it making a b-line for my feet. I scurried to the back of the shower, and that little bastard just scampered towards me. I frantically began kicking water at it, to no immediate avail. That little spider was determined to murder me in the shower. Finally, water over came him. You know you are victorious against a spider when it suddenly crinkles up. Except for sometimes they try to trick you. They crinkle up, and then as soon as you think they are harmless, they scamper away again. I never trust a crinkled up spider. I kept kicking water at it until it was safely down the drain.

I hate this irrational, crippling fear. Whenever I see one I immediately panic. I wasn't always afraid of spiders. Or bugs in general. I recall catching grasshoppers with my hands in elementary school, and storing them in jars. Perhaps this irrational fear was a curse from God, for allowing so many innocent grasshoppers to languish and waste away as specimens in my jars. Or for all of the ants that I burnt with a magnifying glass. I just want me and spiders to get along and be friends again. No more fear, no more animosity.

Or, just stay out of my damn shower.


Joliene said...

I am afraid of spiders, moths, and needles. I was not afraid of any of these things as a child. I can only guess that I have become subconsciously psychologically damaged.

MEG said...

Any chance I can set you up with a friend of mine? I don't know you but I want you to be in my life because you make me LAUGH. If you marry my friend then I can get away with hanging out with you and listening to stories about your misty showers.

Kimberly said...

The horrific part of a spider in the shower is that you are incredibly vulnerable. I imagine I would feel the same way if I woke up and knew someone was in my home that shouldn't be. Same theory - something snuck up on you and fight or flight kicks in. Unfortunately for the spider, naked flight loses and fight with a body wash bottle wins.

Dave said...

it's business time.


You tried to stop the spider by kicking water at it. You fool. water does not stop the spider--don't you know that even after calling down the fierce power of the rain itself, the spider just crawls up the damn spout again.

next time, run to the kitchen (naked) and grab a jar and catch the spider, then hold him in front of your "steamer" on full heat until he gives up. meaning dies.

steph petry said...

it's okay, my dad was deathly afraid of spiders and he still got married. my mom was the home spider hunter.