Tongue in cheek

So a few days ago I had a black man arrested for interrupting my lunch. Okay not really. But actually kind of.

Let me explain, for I realize that sounds pretty absurd. I mean, you are likely thinking..."What? A black man in Provo? Preposterous."

Colin and I were eating at Sam Hawk for lunch. Its located right next to that really awesome dollar store called Honks. 88 cent Tuesdays. Get outta town.

So we're eating, and this black guy comes in. (I only point out that he is black, due to the anomaly of actually interacting with a black man in Provo.) There was only one other table in the restaurant, besides Colin and me. So the guy approaches the table and assaults me with a flood of incoherent, drunk smelling conversation. All I could really understand was something about talking to him around the corner. I responded that I had no idea what he was talking about.

He then, incoherently, asked for money for food. I replied that I had no cash. He then asked me if I would just buy him a pizza. I told him I would think about it, hoping he would just go away. Due to his incoherent drunkenness, this entire exchange took about 2 minutes, by which point I was becoming rather annoyed. After I told him I would think about it, he then grabbed a chair and sat down and stared at me.

"Hell no," I thought. I'm eating lunch.

So while sitting there staring at me, he started harassing the poor little Asian waitress, mumbling something about stealing her bike. Realizing that the Koreans obviously weren't going to do anything about the situation, coupled with the fact that the Provo city police department certainly didn't have anything better to do, I decided to head to the bathroom and give them a call.

Like...53 seconds later, two cops arrived and put him in handcuffs. One of the cops came back in and asked what happened and who called. I explained the situation, and then the cop asked the waitress if the man had ever been in there before. She responded that he came in and bothered them EVERY DAY. Every damn day, and they had never done anything about it.

This is America, dammit. You can kick people out of your store when they act like and/or are drunken assholes. So really, I was sort of a hero. The cops told the owner that if the man returned, they would arrest him and take him to jail. Who knows how long those poor Koreans would have put up with that.

Upon arriving home, it suddenly dawned on me why the guy said he had talked to me around the corner.

Because he had. At my house. Like...2 months ago.

He showed up on the doorstep, asking about the room for rent in the basement. I informed him that such a room didn't exist. He sat there confused for a minute, and then asked me if I was sure. I let him know that I was fairly certain that there existed zero hidden rooms in the basement for rent, but that he would be welcomed to stay in the creepy dungeon room with the dirt floor, stone walls, and spiderwebs draping from the ceiling, for a small stipend. I asked him what address he was looking for, and he gave the first half of my address, but on 1st west. I informed him he was a block off.

So I had this little epiphany after I called the police and got him handcuffed. I hope that he was drunk enough that he thought the Koreans called the police, and therefore doesn't retaliate by stealing my bike. Maybe he will just steal the waitress's bike, which certainly can't be as expensive as my bike.

Moral of the story? Don't drunkenly interrupt my lunch.


steph petry said...

wow, compared to what the provo police usually deals with i bet they felt like they were in a dirty side of vegas.

Michelle said...

i believe i know who you are talking about.

if i am correct, this same man came in to buy organic apple juice when i worked at good earth. after his purchase, he stood there looking at me, asked if i believed in God and told me he was Jesus and Jesus only drinks organic apple juice.

Bags said...

That was Provo's last black man! For shame...

Dave said...

Theres police in Provo? Odd.

I thought if suspicious characters or underrepresented minorities bothered the god-fearing, fair and delightsome people in Provo "the Church" would just organize a group of deacons to whistle and whittle them out of town. Drunkards HATE people that whittle. It's their kryptonite.

That's how Nauvoo rocked the community watch. old school.