Hey asshole

OMG. One of the funniest things I have ever witnessed occurred today, and I fear I completely lack the writing ability to do the story any justice.

This afternoon I and 5 friends long boarded the canyon. Somewhere near the bottom, there is a bridge. Adjacent and parallel to the bridge, there is a large cement tube extending over the river. Upon arriving at that particular spot, I mentioned that I had always wanted to skate across the cement tube. So David, on an old school neon pink board called "Turbo II," did just that.

So there we found ourselves, all on top of the tube, looking down at the fish. After about 20 minutes, we all climbed back down to the bridge and were looking at the water. Mark climbed down over the side of the bridge, and was attempting to untangle a piece of fishing line in hopes of finding a lure. Apparently he is suddenly into fishing.

Joe was standing to my left, and Andre, David and Holly to my right, and Mark was below us on a small ledge near the water. Joe, holding onto the rail, suddenly leans back. I hear a squealing of breaks, and I look to the left just as a man skids to a stop on an old, orange mountain bike. With his left hand on the handlebar, he turns the rest of his torso around and says, "Hey asshole!"

I immediately noticed that this man looked remarkably similar to Napoleon Dynamite. So, if you will, picture a slightly more retarded looking Napoleon, curly hair smashed under a helmet, yelling "Hey asshole!" If he did not sound exactly like Napoleon, may God strike me dead where I type.

At first, I thought he was scolding Joe, for having leaned out and possibly almost caused him to wreck. However, Napoleon was looking at Mark with a really bewildered, angry look on his face. The next thing he yelled was, "What are you doing down there!?"

"What?!" yelled Mark. But in a really ridiculous, exaggerated voice. One would probably have to know Mark to get a complete grasp on what was about to follow. Mark is the guy who used to, and not at all subtly, change the words in church hymns to things like, "skowdle dodle skeedle dee, treedle dodle dee." For example, Angles We Have Heard On High might go something like this: "Angels skeedle deeeeedle dee, skodle treedle deedle dee, and the mountains skowdle dow, hum bum skeedle, deedle dee." Plenty loud, for all to hear. Mark is also the guy who, in a talk in church, advised the congregation that we were to "commit none such murderings, or stealings. Nor robbings, nor stabbings, nor plunderings, nay, not even one plundering." Mark is also the guy who used to go to parties and play "game killers," which consisted of him going up to a sweet bro talking to a girl, and attempt to kill his game. This task was completed by proving his own fabricated higher level of douchebaggery, usually accomplished by explaining how sweet his car was, and how his dad had totally hooked him up with a Costco card and a big screen TV.

That is Mark.

"What are you even saying to me mister!?"
"What the heck are you doing down there?" Asked Napoleon.
"What?! Because I can do what ever I want!" ridiculously exclaimed Mark, as he dramatically threw his fishing line down into the water.
"Are you trying to kill yourself?! That water is col..."
"What?!" As Mark cut him off in mid sentence with another what, he slapped his hand down on the rail, and then climbed back over the rail. It would appear that at that point, Napoleon didn't really know what to do, and so pedaled away, looking over his shoulder every few feet. He stopped again, about 50 yards down the trail and stared for another few moments, before continuing on.

I was barely able to breathe, I was laughing so hard. Part of what was so funny was the irony of calling someone he thought was going to possibly kill himself an asshole.

It is quite possible that this is funny to nobody but me. As I said, it is difficult to convey the particular humor of this situation through writing. It would be like writing out Will Ferell's Cow bell skit on Saturday night live. It just wouldn't be as funny, because the tone and particular nuances that he employs just can't quite be conveyed in writing. I don't know if I could even tell this well in person, because I have a hard time impersonating Mark. But if nothing else, the line "Hey asshole," directed at Mark who was minding his own business, by a person highly resembling Napoleon Dynamite, is a pretty funny mental picture, and I've been cracking up every time I think about it all night.

I've never heard a funnier, more well placed asshole, and I never really expect to.


heather said...

i can only imagine. i giggled while i read this post. i miss mark in my life SO much!! He's sooooo great and so funny.

heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tod Robbins said...

Haha. This would make a great 2 minute short film.

Dave said...

I have two very well-placed assholes.