So I made the mistake of staying up late last night to watch Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. It has probably been 10 years since I last saw it, and I remembered it being fantastic.
My memory is flawed.
Where to begin. I believe the single most impressing thing about the film, is the fact that only about 4 of the characters throughout the entire story, speak with an English accent. Robin Hood himself, most obviously does not. I think he was from the mid west. Or the wild west. Or the distant melted future. Either way, Kevin Costner has the same accent in every movie in which he stars; none accent.
As the movie arrived to near the three-quarter point, Kevin climbs out of a beautiful pond. He is naked. His crinkly 38 year old white ass shimmers behind the sheen of water cascading from above. At which point I remembered out loud, "oh. Yeah. Kevin Costner's white ass was in every movie he made during the 90's."
I was also extremely impressed by the fact that, after two casual hang-outs, a knee to the groin, and a dance, Robin Hood was ready to be launched 100 feet over a brick wall from a catapult, fight his way through hundreds of guards, swing off the top of a castle hanging onto a strip of fabric, smash through a stained-glass window twenty feet below, all for Marian. And, in fact pronounce, "I would die for you." Dear lord, what lust.
I believe the biggest surprise of the film occurred just after the catapult launch. My whole young life I was under the impression that, immediately after the successful launch, Will Scarlet, or the "talented Christian Slater," said "Buck me, he cleared it." Turns out I was not hearing that phrase correctly.
I could continue, but I'll just say this; all in all, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was a pretty bucking terrible movie.