25.11.08

Ethnic cleansing


I feel like a leper, graciously cleansed.

Farewell inadequate, barbaric anal wiping techniques.

I dared not hope that it would arrive before the middle of this week, possibly later, so I didn't even think to check on Saturday. Sunday night, I was walking through the front room towards the stairs when I spotted it; a rectangular package. My heart went into an epileptic seizure as I halted, staring at it. Could it really be? Had it miraculously arrived days earlier than scheduled? I changed my trajectory and slowly approached the box. I was so afraid to read "Dan Criddle," on the tag, as 94% of packages arriving at our home bear that name. I gently hefted the package, and scanned the label. Andrew Fish. Bingo.

I think I probably made some sort of a girlish squeal, as I carried the package into the other room, and stabbed it open with a pen. I couldn't stop laughing. My joy was full. The words "Go Bidet," in red, white, and blue greeted me upon peeling back the box flaps. As though there is anything American about a bidet.

2.5 hours later, after cleaning, and ripping apart the toilet, I was the proud new owner/user of what my rectal region has been so greatly missing for the past 5.5 years. No more will I harm the environment with my excessive toilet paper usage. No more, will trees have to be chopped down for my anal cleansing. Just good, clean water from the earth, as the French intended.

Does it have enough pressure to clean the ceiling? Check.

The only unfortunate thing, is our toilet water is frigid (the Go Bidet usurps the water that normally flows into the toilet.) So I can't say that, in the wintertime, using the Bidet is a wholly comfortable experience. It is somewhat akin to ramming a cold chisel up there, if one is not cautious with the spraying power. However, it is infinitely better than wiping, so I'll deal with the cold finger of death.

For the record, I've never rammed a cold chisel up my rectum. Nor a warm chisel. Nor anything, for that matter. Just to set things straight.

Thanks Marc-Antoine Jacoud and Christophe des Rosiers for the one useful thing to have ever come out of France; an ethnic cleansing device.

2 comments:

Joliene said...

You are very strange. Perhaps I only think so because I am one of those strange Americans that uses tissue.

I don't think I'd ever be brave enough to blog about something that involved my interactions with my toilet. Kudos.

chris almond said...

Andy, congrats on your new butthole cleaner. I have long been intrigued by the Bidet, but have yet to be blessed with the opportunity to use one. I LOVE being able to get my butthole super clean. Sometimes I even wet toilet paper to create a wet wipe effect. And when they have been around I have even used wet wipes. So soft and gentle, while providing maximum cleanliness. ONe might say adult wet wipes provide tranquility. http://www.disposablemedicalexpress.com/IBS/SimpleCat/Shelf/ASP/Hierarchy/0E00.html