4.8.08

Hepa-happiness

Sometimes I question whether or not life is worth living. In such moments, I quickly assess my options of locations where I might acquire the most potent STD's in existence, in the shortest, most efficient manner possible. Wal-Mart and brothels are usually the first places that come to mind. But sometimes also I feel the need to shove as many gummy hamburgers down my gullet as is humanly possible. So I guess when I want a superfluously virulent mixture of hepatitis and gummys, the Nickelcaid is the only logical destination.

Tonight Colin and I decided to be active wardly participants. As I have basically avoided all wardular activities thus far this summer, I figured the Nickelcaid activity was a great place to begin my post-Sunday activity reactivation. Prior to arriving at disease nation, we met at the church for a spiritual moment. You know, to prepare us for the old school digital spirituality of which we would soon be partaking. I mean...reading the Book of Mormon/playing Dig Dug...pretty much the same thing. I always imagine that when I am pumping up the creatures with the jet pack hose, I am inflating them with the holy spirit, and blowing them into Christian oblivion.

Anyhow as we are awaiting our mini spiritual feast, there is this kid who is preparing for a mission and extremely over zealous in every way to the max. So he is walking around talking to many of the females and excitedly telling them, "Hey. You wanna see the hot girl I'm going out with lately?" After which he would provide a glamor shot by Deb, thus confirming her formerly alleged hotness. She certainly had some pretty sweet bangs. But seriously, he had like...a whatever the size is just up from wallet size, professional portrait of her.

This ward is amazing. So many legends.

Once at the N' Caid (the Nickelcaid's underground name) I delved right into the filthiness. As I played Cowboy Contra, I wondered how many festering lesions would be covering my hands the next morning. At one point I made the dire mistake of rubbing my eye to abate some intense itchiness. I can already feel the pinkeye threatening to overwhelm my inner bodily defenses. I'll probably wake up looking like a mutant tomorrow.

That place is seriously amazing. I think what most people do there is first and foremost get an overabundance of nickels. After playing several arcade games, most people probably think, "What the hell am I gonna do with all these nickels?" and realize that they will never use the 700 that they have, and so end up trying to acquire as many tickets as possible. Gummie hamburgers. 25 tickets. Get out.

As we were wrapping up our ticket acquiring endeavors, this Hispanic family came in and monopolized what were apparently the most lucrative machines in the place. 50 dollars in nickels later, they had about 3500 hundred tickets, and were about 1/5 of the way towards winning this little girl's bike which would have cost them that mere 1/5 had they gone to that haven of all communicable disease--Orem Wal-Mart.

There was this little tiny girl wandering around aimlessly with no shoes and an expired bag of nickels, one pig tail in, one out. I feel like her parents were probably like..."Hey. Monies is a little low this month, so let's just drop little Lupe off at the Nickelcaid with a sack of nickels for 4 hours." Kinda sad. Truthfully, I think they were winning her the bike.

9 dollars, 4 tattoos, gummy hamburgers, and friendship bracelets, 5 trans fats (flavored tootsie rolls) a spaceshuttle, Wal-mart truck, and a jet-ski ride later, we had had all the fun/HIV we could handle.

This may be my final post. Screw you universe.

5 comments:

Estee Cook said...

oh, fish.
i really like this.

Alison said...

1. i don't like that i'm "sweet" i'm a bad ass and you know it
2. you're a bigot
3. HAHAHAHA
4. I really like your blog and it looks good, and I don't want to be demanding, but the yellow is hard to read for long periods of time. Perhaps im the only one? I don't know.

Dave said...

You know what the weirdest part of this is? I was driving on the highway the other day and I passed an 18 wheeler and the driver looked about as huge as you do in your photo.

I guess some people's only option is to squeeze into a small 18 wheeler and drive across the country for a living.

That's a tough life. These are likely the same people that try to win their kids bicycles at local HIVilla-fun-centers.

Amy said...

Thank you for using "to the max." Sweet shoes. That is all.

Joliene said...

i am sad to say that i've been to the orem walmart. that place is MASSIVE. since i live in liberaltastic california, my city would never allow a walmart to be built.

also, are you shoes sperry topsiders? i want some, but apparently i cannot afford a $50 pair of shoes.