Next comes the chop

There are very few things on this wretched, yet beautiful planet that irk me more than piss on a toilet seat. It angers me due to the completely unnecessary nature of the act. Let's see. Either I can spend a nano-second lifting the seat, followed by a pleasant urination--or I can be a lazy bastard, unleash hell all over the seat, followed by a feeble attempt to wipe it off--and thus enjoy sitting in the remnants thereafter.

I guess to me it's pretty much a no-brainer. I don't want to sit in the remnants of someone's piss. Ever.

This has been occurring at my lair. 57% of the reason why I changed that God-forsaken seat in the first place was because one had to hold the seat up with one's hand while pissing, which was nigh unto impossible, and thus EVERYBODY pissed on the seat. So, as documented a few posts back, I toiled through one of the most horrifying experiences of my short, pathetic life in order to remedy that.

And now this. People still don't raise it. Well, enough is enough. I bought and installed the toilet seat, so I feel like I reserve the right to alter its appearance.

The filthiness had better soon cease, lest I have to employ increasingly drastic measures.


Elliott said...

I'm in between a part time seat lifter and sit down peeer. Mostly the sit down happens in the pitch dark cold. As of late I've been remiss in my seat replacing duties and my new wife has nearly bathed in the toilet water daily. Some habits are hard to break. Others hard to create. Be patient with us.

Really pretty crazy how I've stumbled across your blog. If I was subjected to going to BYU I'd surely seek you out. Best of luck friend.

Joliene said...

this is basically amazing.

and makes me extremely happy that i have 2 sisters, no brothers, and a dad who lifts the flipping seat.

Snubbs the White Rabbit said...

You never cease to amaze me. Haha. Kudos good sir. Kudos.

Bewildertrix said...

Ah, piss droplets. If only my toddler and other half weren't so toileting challenged.

The public lavatories irk me the most. Believe me, this icky habit is not restricted to guys.

And if you gaze for long into a droplet, the droplet gazes also into you

Yeah, I massacred an amazing quote but it was so relevant.

Kelly Jo said...

Those cushy toilet seats are weird, fish. Your graffiti'd contraption looks about as welcoming as a seat with teeth. good luck fighting the good fight.

Shauna said...

this post is pretty sick/funny/true.

is it jason? Mathis? jeff? Do any of these people even still live at Radiotron?

stephy said...

I found your blog when I googled 'mom jeans.' I love this entry so much!