Wosrt news of the summer, possibly life

My bubble has been burst. Actually stabbed. Stabbed with a rusty, hepatitis encrusted blade with a serrated edge, each serration filled with a microscopic portion of flesh eating bacteria. Also dripping in acid, which somehow does not effect the potency of said disease/bacteria.

No, I didn't just find out that there are indeed a lot of homosexuals attending BYU, or the Lord's Academy, as it were.

Nor did I just learn that Walt Disney was an anti-Semite.

Early this morning, I awoke assuming that I would be attending my favorite out of two final classes that I am taking this semester. As Pinback's "Loro" gently caused the tiny hairs in my cochlea to wave to and fro, my eyes opened to blurry light streaming through my window. As consciousness gradually overtook me, pleasant thoughts about my eminent graduation in two weeks flitted about my mind like butterflies in spring. Big, fat, happy butterflies with rad designs, singing glorious anthems of peace on earth, and good will towards men.

Soon, those butterflies would become ravenous vulture-hawks, intent upon pecking out my eyes and nibbling my digits until only a wretched, miserable, blind, nub-of-a-man was all that remained.

I went to visit with the history department councilor to make sure he remembered to transform my Race and Minority relations class credit to an upper division history elective. Magic.

The man, whom I once considered extremely helpful and efficient, pulled up my transcripts. "OK let's see. Now...if I move this Race and Minority Relations credit here...it leaves a hole here..."

At this point, those butterflies began to molt away their beautiful colors, bodies cracking and decaying.

"Um...let's look here. Huh. Seems like were missing something..."

Black feathers sprouting.

"Uh...OK...Um...let's see. What did we do wrong here...."

Venom dripping claws, a beady red eye.

"Oh, yeah. Looks like here I thought you were still signed up for this history class. Looks like since you dropped that, you still need one more class."

Screeching vulture-hawk, dive bombing for my heart.

"Yeah, I wouldn't have told you that you only needed two classes if you needed more. I definitely wouldn't have done that."

But you did do that. You very certainly did tell me that I only needed these last two classes, hence I am only taking two instead of three.

So in case none of that last little bit made any sense, let me break it down. Upon awakening this morning, and every morning and day for the last month, I have been mentally graduating on June 18. Due to the eff up of this councilor, I am not taking three classes, which is actually what I needed. Therefore, I now have to spend an extra 600 bucks to take a class which I could have taken for no additional charge this semester, had this little mistake not occurred.

And I'm not bloody done in two weeks like I thought I was. This is the most disappointing news since I found out Santa was a fake.


Gina Lee said...

That Sucks! There are so many things in life where you just shake your head and ask, "Why?!?" Listen to Annie Lennox "Why"... it always helps me feel understood.

Snubbs the White Rabbit said...

Dude that blows! I was seriously praying that didn't happen to me. Sorry to hear it man.

Carlykins said...

I started having heart palpitations for you as I read this! Yeesh, I would want to relieve whatever was left in my stomach onto that man!

Creed and Tiffany said...

dude its creed, never would have guessed you to be so creative, nice blog i way under estimated yur creative ability as was demonstrated upon the bunk bed above me in buenos aires where you left me in black sharpe the song of NOFX, how did the cat get so fat, stay in touch

Joliene said...

is gay people on campus so horrible?

Fish Nat!on said...

yes. also, all mormon missionaries are perfect.