Yearning for denim

So me and T (T and I, how embarrassing) were sitting outside Sub Zero Witchcraft having a conversation. I got to thinking. People around the nation are all appalled by the FLDS polygamous sect in Texas. Everyone is making a big deal about a group of people who are just seeking a little multi-spousal affection. I can understand the appeal. I mean, the ability to bring not one, but 6 or 7 goo-covered children screaming into the world in one 9 month period would sell anyone on the idea, if they really sat down and thought about it logically. At that rate, one might create a veritable army in a matter of years.

An army of Zion.

But that isn't the point. I think people are really overlooking the main draw to join a polygamous sect. The real reason to trample all over the law and give normal society the middle finger (or several) is for the denim EVERYTHING that one is privileged to wear upon joining said lifestyle. Do you remember when you were young and your mother dressed you up in a sharp denim shirt and sent you skipping off to school, only to suffer untold shame and humiliation at the hands of the kids with No Fear and Mossimo shirts?

But secretly you liked that denim eyesore.

Well, now is your chance. With many a man likely to end up in jail, the Yearning For Zion compound will probably be doing some recruiting. And submissive, weak willed women are always welcome, several denim pieces tidily awaiting them in a newly fashioned pine wardrobe.

Have you ever been running through the sage brush spooked by a rattle snake, tripped, and scraped half the skin off your chest because your lousy cotton-polyester blend wasn't adequate protection against those sharp desert rocks and pebbles?


First, you would not have been running at all, because the snake fangs likely wouldn't be able to penetrate your denim body shield. And what snake would disrespect a man in a denim vest?

Zero snakes.

I guess all I am trying to say media, is dig a little deeper. I don't think polygamy has much to do with sex, the apocalypse, or the great hairstyles. It is all about man's (and woman's) innate yearning for all things denim.
Bless their hearts.


Joliene said...

Ya know, in all my Religious Studies classes, analyzing the different emic motivations for "alternative" sexual lifestyles that many religious movements and cults have adopted, I never once considered the denim motivation. I should bring this up next time. I think it might make it to the forefront of religious studies scholarship.

Nice. Really.

Also, I love that you ended this with "bless their hearts." That's truly one of those phrases that you NEVER hear in California, but hear ALL THE TIME in Utah. Love it!

t driggs said...

I love a flat...really, but how about a nice metallic ballet shoe? take off 12 inches or so. TUBE socks. i'm not even mad

Jill said...

Hilarious. Never thought of it that way...just more confirmation for me that they are all freaks though :)
Seriously. The hair? What the? Ugh.

brady & laura Hales said...

Not only denim, but french braids. I haven't been able to wear a single french braid since a rode horses when I was seven.

The poof in the front as well.


Rae said...

This was delightful